Monday, March 31, 2008

Present and Future

Quick synopsis on my life.

B is back from Kuwait. One week flew by since he came back. Cant tell in words how much of a relief it is resigning from the single mom role. Best part is not having to worry about putting the trash can out and getting Nithin brushed.

Last Monday, B's bro's sedation was stopped and he opened his eyes and saw parents. Thank God. Progress is slow but steady. We get worried now and then, but today's news is that he asked for B. So I am thrilled he is asking questions and communicating. Keep praying!

Overcame the Sunday evening blues and Monday morning 'dark-blues' and we are on to the next week of our lives. As I got N & N ready and raced in the car to drop off at respective places, I wondered. OK. So far so good. On schedule. Dropped 1 and dropped 2 and hope their days are enjoyable. Reached work and got sucked into the rhythm.

But what about the long run? Each day is a tiny step towards future. Am I really moving my life in the direction that I would love to end up? What if, after some years, that drift by day after day, I realize that this is not where I wanted to be? Scary!

Friday, March 21, 2008

Adventurous dinner

After work, I went to pick up Nikhil and Nithin from the baby sitter's place. It was time to take him swimming again. Life has changed all of a sudden so much. Up until last week, I had the luxury of not having to worry about managing the younger one when the older one goes to an activity. But now I am alone with 2 kids till B comes back from Kuwait tomorrow.

I know , you guys are going, thank God, she will have to stop this 'alone with 2 kids' dialogue at least tomorrow! Ha Ha Ha! I think I am enjoying all the sympathy and attention I am getting from people for this reason!

Back to the story! It was a new instructor, a giant man, who looked to me exactly like the genie who appeared when Aladdin rubbed his lamp. He snubbed at me when I went to him with my usual 'please deal with my kid like this..' and told me 'lesser said the better'. Having convinced my son who watched me from far away, that I DID warn the instructor about not letting him under water too much, and feeling sheepish, I waited with Nithin on my lap. The class really went very well. The old man knew his way to work with kids.

The class was over and I was super hungry when we started our ride back. I was tempted to go to my favorite restaurant (Devi vegetarian) for dinner. I asked myself.
"Am I crazy venturing to go to a restaurant all alone with these 2 kids?".
The younger one I know would play with the water on the table, try not to sit in the high chair and for all you know, when I get my food in front of me, who knows if I can even eat once piece peacefully! I know B would not dare to take them.

On one side, was this fear. On the other side, were my hunger and the "yummy-veggie-South-Indian-food" thoughts.

I looked to Nikhil for some courage.

I tried to entice him. "Nikhil, do you want to eat pooris"
He replied quickly : "Yes, yes, yummy"

That was it. I will deal with the problem when it comes. There are 2 people now in the car wanting to eat out.I am going to Devi. Period.

We parked a bit far and walked when the wind almost blew us down. It was cold and so windy.
I kept my fingers crossed. We placed our order and the food came.
Contrary from usual, Nithin also did some good job with the food. Nikhil ate his pooris as a good boy. I ordered a dosa which was served in an oval plate as big as new born baby! Everything was good. And I thought 'everything is going so well. Ek coffee order karne ki gusthaakhi karoon? '
And I did. Nikhil got his usual mango lassi.

We left the place contented and not stressed out. Mission accomplished. Thank God for the adventure well done!

Monday, March 17, 2008

Tu Dhoop Hai

It has been over two weeks now since I typed anything here. I typed up a lot of words in my mind while I drive back home from work - every day. Those words did not see light. No one saw me fight the tears while I was driving.

It has been quite a difficult time for my family. When things are this abnormal, you wonder what to write - it has been a sea of emotions in our minds, eyes filled with tears and heart trembling with prayers. We are watching our brother (my younger brother-in-law) inside an ICU room in Kuwait lying unconscious for over 2 weeks now.

It was touching to see all those families in the church pray for him. Many many offered us help - financial and any other. All are concerned about his health. His close friends are in touch with me now. We share the same concerns and prayers.

I am now alone with both the boys. It is quite challenging and I should confess that I was all excited about tackling it with perfection. Taking Nikhil to all activities as usual, feeding them good food at the right time, playing with them, managing chores I hate to do.
I think God is keeping us safe and cozy inside the walls of our home.

While the kids and me listen to the songs from Taare Zameen Par in the basement, we forget all the worries and sink into music. Kids dance for the Bum Bum Bole and run around. Then I request for my favorite song to be played. They do agree and they put 'Kholo Kholo'.
These words touched me a lot with Ishaan Awasthi, the child character, in my mind before. Now I see our brother in the hospital and my heart goes out to him.

"Tu Dhoop Hai Cham Se Nikal
Tu Hai Nadi O Bekhabar
Beh Chal Kahin Ud Chal Kahin
Dil Khush Jaahan Teri To Manzil hai Waheen"

You are sunshine. Shine out openly. Dont be hidden in the bed.
You are the river. Flow freely. Fly freely. Open your eyes and talk.
Where your heart will be happy, reach out to that destination. Whatever you want, we will get it to you. We want you back and we want your smile back.

Here is a link to the song.

You guys think I have gone crazy! Well, my 6 year old son, saw me with tears in my eyes - Amma, why are you crying? And he confessed that he too did that once - crying while watching a movie. I was very happy to hear that. I said - that is how you enjoy the movie and there is no need to be ashamed of that!

Are you like me too? When you watch watch/hear a song, you relate to something that pertains to your life? I am sure I am not the only one.