SAHM Experience so far

Month 5 is on the run. The first month was spent in India. The next months flew by with gearing up with school and kids activities.

Phase I:
Initially, I was worried about what people's reaction would be on my decision. Every time I have to tell someone I would worry about what they are going to say. I would pray they say something of the sorts that would not call me dumb. To my own surprise, I got more positive reactions about making the decision than otherwise.

Taking a break from career was not looked down upon. Especially friends who knew me well, thought it was right to spend some time with kids - especially where they are young. Most did not have a doubt about me getting back into the career because of my work experience. Most would love to do that and could not afford to do that due to financial commitments.

Everyone trusted that being here in America, we had the freedom to take a break and not having to worry about coming back to the career world. We see so many who change their careers drastically. So nothing is impossible.

OK..the initial reactions were positive. Some cautioned me not to take too long a break. It could mean that you could risk your position in the job market. I agree with that.

Phase II: First few months at home
The questions were like this: "OK, how do you pass time each day?"
"What do you all day?"
"When are going back to work?"

Hmm..I was irked by some and smiled at some. With two kids, I am still planning each hour of my day. My day revolves around their calendar. Their drop off, pick up, activities and school projects. Especially with the younger one going to school for just 4 hours, pick up time arrives before I finish up my groceries or cooking and there I am rushing to pick him up. I took up more social responsibilities with planning and executing of events or participating more actively. So that keeps me busy too.

One things is true - I am EARLY for most appointments. I was early at the gym before the class trying to kill time on treadmill before the instructor arrived. I was an hour early for a doctor's appointment and went to their cafeteria and grabbed a coffee to kill time. I consciously try to be not late for anything and I am so obsessed with looking at the clock and reverse-planning everything based on a deadline.

Another FACT is that - you think that you will have the best vacation of your life when you take a career break. It is true that you get more time to do everything and you can pay more attention to details on most tasks. But down the lane, it is not a vacation - but you are caught in a routine-bubble now.

Remember, when you took a day off from work and how every minute was precious that day. Well, now everyday is at your hands - but still you cannot think OUT OF THE BOX that easily anymore. You have to consciously PUT EFFORT to REMIND yourself to DO THOSE THINGS you DREAMT OF DOING WHEN YOU WONT BE WORKING. Because otherwise you might just flow with the mechanical routine - it is not work related, but home related now.

Phase III: With my in laws leaving back to India, this is my next phase. I am all by myself with the kids and B. The first two days were awfully quiet and cadaverous at home. (Confession: Cadaverous is a new word I learnt helping out with my son's school project. It means: deathly, pale). I am slowly getting used to it.

Kids like me this way - less stressed and relaxed. Once in a while, a worry creeps up in the back of the mind. When should I start looking for a job? Is it too late already? I tell myself I still have something more to achieve from this conscious break. And I go on!

Too long a post, eh? When you guys said "I do", you did not know what you were getting into!
Chuckle!

Anyone listening?

I can hear you muttering : -"If only you spoke?"

Can you do me a favor? Can you put a comment in this post, so I know who all might be reading me - it helps to think of different people I know and may be some I don't know to think of what and how I may write..

Will you please autograph here?
TIA!

Endhiran experience

Thanks to a close friend who let me know that 'Endhiran' was in town. We booked the tickets online after a lot of thinking. The weekend schedule was already tight - but I had to fit in the Tamil movie in theater anyway.

Reasons are the following.

I am still as young at heart as to feel the desire to watch a movie in theater. During my India trip, I interviewed a lot of people (friends and family) - most of the people in my age have given up watching movies in theater due to various reasons. I was telling myself - I still love watching them in theaters and would do it anytime provided I hear good reviews.

Watching an Indian movie in theater is a rare happening in the area that I live. Especially Tamil or Malayalam movies get screened very rarely.

I had not watched 'Endhiran' clips at all since we don't have SUN TV at home now. So everything I see would be new to me.

But the very fact that the story line and dialogues for the movie come from the author I adore - SUJATHA alias S.Rangarajan - was enough for me to go see it.

Other super compelling factors were, of course, Rajini and Shankar.

I did not know whether my family would blame for taking them to the movie - but I was willing to take the risk.

It was a risk worth taking.

As we drove near the theater following the directions in GPS, we felt reassured to see Desi faces and cars. I felt like I am home. Watching the people at the popcorn stall, corridor and the row of seats just before us, I could feel the connection with them. What binds us together was the hope to see a good movie based on our experiences with Shankar, Rajini, ARR and Sujatha.

Not only did I enjoy the movie, but my boys loved it too. Thanks to subtitles and wonderful special effects, B was entertained very well.I was laughing at Chitti's innocent questions - could see Sujatha's naughtiness in them very well. Special effects were exemplary and I have never seen anything to compare in any other Indian movie. Of course, the theme is very well known to me as I grew up reading multiple short stories and novels by Sujatha - so I could agree with it more so ever. The narration of the story is captivating. The events unfold one after other, in an unpredictable sequence. I could not guess what would happen next. Strong screen play and dialogues. Rajini's acting as the bad guy, Chitti and Vasee was awesome.

As I grew up, I was a Kamal fan.It was almost like a religion to us - are you a Kamal fan or Rajini fan was the question among cousins. Now after these years, watching this Rajini movie in US theater, I felt so thrilled and excited because I am proud that this wonderful attempt was made in Tamil. I admire Rajini for what he is - a great entertainer. Hats off to Shankar for realizing this!

Initial SAHM Days

The first week I came back from India I slept - napped with Nithin in the afternoon while the older one went to school. Yet again, sleeping in the night was not a problem for me :-). After 3 or 4 days of marathon sleeping, I finally felt healed physically from all the running around I did in India. I would always cherish the vacation in India - for it was my own time, my own decisions pretty much about what to do where I did not have to worry about kids' health or anything. Seeing my Appa happy to have me around for hsi 60th birthday, meeting my relatives who have known me since my birth, catching up with my old friends with whom I share a unique relation - was all so precious. Knowing that my kids are in the best hands here in IS, I could relax and enjoy the most in India.

Back is US, I checked out a simple Montessori school for Nithin. It is a half day program with lesser number of kids and more emphasis on academics for the time he is in school. He cried the first day since he has been home all summer and he was not going back to the old school. I too wondered if I am doing the right thing. But he warmed up quite sooner than he did for the first school.

Now my whole day revolves around the boys' school schedule and after school activities. With parents in law here, I have not seen the loneliness which probably is awaiting me soon. I am mentally relaxed and free and am able to focus on Nithin without my thoughts wandering off elsewhere (work pressure, commute etc). The initial days of SAH- Motherhood seem to be going well. There are moments of laughter, cuddling and tickling with Nithin. Sitting with Nikhil doing his school work and Kumon, we did accomplish our mini-goals.

Two days ago, was Nithin's 5th birthday. I knew how much he would love to have his close friends whom he has not met in a while. I wanted him to have the celebration right on the day he was born. Thankfully, even with my last minute notice, the boys' parents were able to bring them. We had a simple party with a craft activity and Pinata. Ben 10 cake was what he asked for.
The arrangements for the party kept me quite busy for some days.

Will keep you updated.

Final Days of Vacation

The first week flew in Chennai. The second week went by meeting old friends and family in Bangalore. I cannot emphasize how much I love to catch up with old folks. Talking about the old times, meeting their family and kids, chatting about how busy life is now - it was a unique experience with each one of them. A meeting like that does not happen without both the parties taking interest and putting the extra effort to break from the daily routine to make it happen. I was happy that most of the 2 weeks went the way I hoped for, planned for.

Mini bullets of my observations:

• Of course, a trip without responsbilities is an experience to have. Not having to think about what to feed the kids and not having to worry whether they will fall sick was a relief.
• Catching up with relatives and friends was a bliss.
• Enjoyed eating out for 2 weeks until the bug caught me the third week in Trivandrum.
• Having to bid good-bye without eating Kerala Parotta in Trivandrum is a tragedy.
• Life is hectic everywhere - families with kids are running around restlessly - no time to breathe - be it US or India.
• One should be blessed to get a good servant maid - not that easy to get one and retain her!
• When you stress too much for something to happen, it just falls into place so easily and happens
• When you are so sure about something, you see it JUST does not happen.
• It is a thrilling feeling when you walk down a road you have not walked in ages and you are able to locate an old friend's home from your memories
• Different people retain different memories of the same time/age from the past and it is a delight to share them.

I will cherish the memories of this vacation for ever. To end the post, let me quote what Nikhil said over chat. When I land in Philly and he meets me - he said that is the happiest moment of my Ammahood! I was amused by the term he coined - Ammahood!

Second Day in Chennai

I woke up at 4.30 but continued to lie down for some and finally woke up. I was tempted to dial B's number in my Appa's mobile. After chatting with my talkative son 2 over phone, I switched on TV and browsed. I landed a program with randon Tamil songs being played. Sipping morning coffee and watching good old Tamil movie songs in India, I could not remember how long ago I would have enjoyed this combination. May be it was way back when I was single and living with my parents that I felt this exact feeling.

I went for a morning walk with my dad and 2 of his elder brothers to a surprisingly beautiful and decent walking trail around a lake in this Chennai suburb. When confronted by a cow on the way, I wished my boys were here with me then - they would be amused to see the cow blocking our way. Talking to my old uncles and walking with them was a nice moment.

Rest of the day flew by with usual chores of shopping and visits to stiching center and dry cleaning shops. At RMKV, we shopped for a festive occasion and I enjoyed looking at the colorful sarees and Indian dresses.

We ended the day by visiting the eldest uncle in the family and sought the blessings of his and his wife. Watching my dad talk and laugh aloud, sharing stories of weddings in the family, most of which I was part of when I was a school girl was all enjoyable. The pace is picking up. Jet lag is wearing off.

I was surprised to see a descriptive email from Nikhil 'dedicated to me'. Nice things do happen when there is a change in life.

Semicolon

When I parked the car and got out this Tuesday, I could see Nikhil waving at me from the window in 2nd floor -"How was your last day,Amma?", he screamed. As I entered the home, both the boys came right to the door step and hugged me tight. It was my last day of work before I become a SAHM by choice for sometime.

I have been contemplating this move since some months. Kind of tried to push me away from the decision, tried to chug along with the long commute, guilty feeling of not devoting time for kids with a tireless smiling face and the ad-hoc conditions of operations of work with the budding new product. Finally, I saw signs around me that said - JUST DO IT for your peace of mind. B supported it. Kids welcomed it. I took the step.

When I resigned, I worried about what will be the reactions of different people around me. I realized that even when I make decisions after a lot of thought, I am the kind who seeks approval from everyone for my actions. It is the way I was brought up - I cannot be totally careless about the 'opinions' of people. Close friends and family had seen me go through a tough time in coping with work and commute. They could understand me. My colleagues really opened up and they could see my point in my current stage of life. So I bid good-bye to some good friends and colleagues. I was lucky to have a manager who provided lot of options for me to stay back. I am grateful to have had him as my manager - or else I would have left a while ago. In spite of all that, my heart kept telling me to see a change in life.What I will miss most about this work place would be the PEOPLE again.

It is not a period - I would like to think of break as a semi - colon. The sentence will continue some time later.

As I look ahead, I realize I will get bored eventually, will get tired of screaming to the boys when they fight with each other. At that point, I will look into getting back on the groove, but for the moment, it feels like the right thing to do. I did enjoy working for the past 13 years. But now, I want to take a break - not having to worry about waking up early, beating the traffic, driving 45 min sounds like a welcome change. Being there for son 1 when he comes back from school. Being there for Son 2 before he goes to kindergarten next year and reading books to him. Not having to bother B about my work-woes. Cooking some nice meals without thinking of it as just a chore. Driving Son1 to activities. Helping MIL with cooking as long as she is here. All these sound appealing now.

I am leaving to India tomorrow to meet my dad on his 60th birthday. I am glad I am able to go.
It will be just myself in India for 3 weeks. The kids are here with B and his parents. As much as I am excited to have a fun trip and some nice times with my parents, friends and family, it pains to see Nikhil emotional. He surprised me by making a 'MISS YOU' art work with his 'haiku' on me. Seeing this, the younger one got the help of grandma and made a similar card for me. I am treated so special because they will see me only after 3 weeks. I am touched.

Will keep you all updated from India.