SAHM Experience so far

Month 5 is on the run. The first month was spent in India. The next months flew by with gearing up with school and kids activities.

Phase I:
Initially, I was worried about what people's reaction would be on my decision. Every time I have to tell someone I would worry about what they are going to say. I would pray they say something of the sorts that would not call me dumb. To my own surprise, I got more positive reactions about making the decision than otherwise.

Taking a break from career was not looked down upon. Especially friends who knew me well, thought it was right to spend some time with kids - especially where they are young. Most did not have a doubt about me getting back into the career because of my work experience. Most would love to do that and could not afford to do that due to financial commitments.

Everyone trusted that being here in America, we had the freedom to take a break and not having to worry about coming back to the career world. We see so many who change their careers drastically. So nothing is impossible.

OK..the initial reactions were positive. Some cautioned me not to take too long a break. It could mean that you could risk your position in the job market. I agree with that.

Phase II: First few months at home
The questions were like this: "OK, how do you pass time each day?"
"What do you all day?"
"When are going back to work?"

Hmm..I was irked by some and smiled at some. With two kids, I am still planning each hour of my day. My day revolves around their calendar. Their drop off, pick up, activities and school projects. Especially with the younger one going to school for just 4 hours, pick up time arrives before I finish up my groceries or cooking and there I am rushing to pick him up. I took up more social responsibilities with planning and executing of events or participating more actively. So that keeps me busy too.

One things is true - I am EARLY for most appointments. I was early at the gym before the class trying to kill time on treadmill before the instructor arrived. I was an hour early for a doctor's appointment and went to their cafeteria and grabbed a coffee to kill time. I consciously try to be not late for anything and I am so obsessed with looking at the clock and reverse-planning everything based on a deadline.

Another FACT is that - you think that you will have the best vacation of your life when you take a career break. It is true that you get more time to do everything and you can pay more attention to details on most tasks. But down the lane, it is not a vacation - but you are caught in a routine-bubble now.

Remember, when you took a day off from work and how every minute was precious that day. Well, now everyday is at your hands - but still you cannot think OUT OF THE BOX that easily anymore. You have to consciously PUT EFFORT to REMIND yourself to DO THOSE THINGS you DREAMT OF DOING WHEN YOU WONT BE WORKING. Because otherwise you might just flow with the mechanical routine - it is not work related, but home related now.

Phase III: With my in laws leaving back to India, this is my next phase. I am all by myself with the kids and B. The first two days were awfully quiet and cadaverous at home. (Confession: Cadaverous is a new word I learnt helping out with my son's school project. It means: deathly, pale). I am slowly getting used to it.

Kids like me this way - less stressed and relaxed. Once in a while, a worry creeps up in the back of the mind. When should I start looking for a job? Is it too late already? I tell myself I still have something more to achieve from this conscious break. And I go on!

Too long a post, eh? When you guys said "I do", you did not know what you were getting into!
Chuckle!

Hakuna Matata

We rented the Lion King CD from the library the other day. Nithin has been playing it over and over in the car since then. He demands a song by number and it has to be replayed till eternity. After couple of reruns, you start hating that song.

But this song left me pondering and wishing for a state of "Hakuna Matata" - a state of no worries - it is a 'problem-free' philosophy.

A big change in me in the recent years is something I never used to do before. Worrying has become my hobby now. I find it so hard to control my mind when the thoughts spin and spin.

Looking from the outside world, I am in a comfortable state and there should be many blessings I have to count. I do recognize that and I am grateful for my life. But all said and done, I have become much more emotionally weak than even before. Different people have different worries. Mine has been related to job/work/career for sometime now. The layoff experience has left me petrified. Adjusting to new work life has been an uphill. It is getting better - I would compare it to the first few months with a new born baby. People say it gets better over months - but each day has to pass, it is a struggle every day - feeding and diapering and wondering why he/she cries. Some days are easy, some are crazy, but no matter what you have to live through this phase to get to a point where you can enjoy the baby. I think that is what I am going through now. Taking life one day at a time!

Fast Forward

We all know the 'Rewind' button in our minds - that takes us into the past and helps relive the good moments of our lives. It looks like I have hit the fast Forward button. My mind is always in the trip that I am about to take on with my son. It is like I am re(?) living the future. I am daydreaming of each day in India. Shopping, preparing, packing is going on. Plans for small trips while in India are in the making via phone with my Appa. It is exciting, but at the same time, these thoughts make me nervous also.

Since I have got used to B's presence so much, I have become dependent on him for so many things. He takes care of minute details and I can rely on him that he will pack everything that is needed and fix all mechanical/hardware issues. Since he won't be with me, I am afraid where all I will have to act as B! I will have to do all his usual chores when we travel together. When Nikhil misses his Appa, I would not know what to do. I will have fun shopping and roaming around with Nikhil, but I cannot entertain him the way B can. Playing DS together, watching Star Wars is all beyond me. Since I won't have B to share the parenting role, I feel completely responsible for anything Nikhil will go through. I am worried about his health throughout the journey.

Let us see how it goes.

A Spinster's Day Out at Barnes and Nobles

I am not really a spinster, but it was nice to act like one. It was a day Nithin was supposed to be home and not go to school. Thanks to having grandparents at home, I could set out early morning to Barnes and Nobles. It was B's idea and his own dream to spend an entire day there browsing through books. Only that I got to do it.

With no kids to trouble me and husband at office (away from my trouble), it was a day where I could be myself and focus on reading technical books and prepare notes. I bought a coffee and climbed up the escalator to the technical section smiling to myself. Kappi okke vangichu..ini joli kittumo? It all entirely depends on how best I utilize my time there! I picked a book that interested me and made myself comfortable in the huge plush chair there. It was not crowded and I felt at home, muttering the words in the book and taking notes.

One of the incentives of this exercise was to have lunch from a nearby shop and return back to studies. At 11.30, the lady in the bookstore who helped me in the morning saw me and she asked 'You still here". I said :" Fear not, I will be back after lunch :-)" . I did not say the whole sentence, but just a part of it.

It was a bright sunny day. I walked to the Mexican fastfood near by and had a Sonoroan Quesadilla , once recommended to me by Laksh. I spoke with a friend on the phone and walked back to B&N. The rest of the afternoon was not as productive as the morning. I got distrubed by other people sitting in chairs next to me and the music on the air. Can't do much about it since I dont' own the shop, can I? But I managed to read something, so I enjoyed the stay at the shop overall. I finished my day by visiting two other shops, got some shirts for kids for good prices (am not a shopaholic and am very much behind in getting good deals, so this time I felt good doing it!). That was the day that was!

Time for myself

Morning goes by making breakfast and making sure kids eat. Day goes by driving to work, work and driving back home. Evening time flies by with dinner and homework and Kumon with Nikhil. In between, there are tiny snippets of fun time with Nithin's pranks and him surprising us with newly learnt words (yesterday he said, correction - a term we use a lot with Nikhil's Kumon work and 'spelling test' pointing to Nikhil's weekly spelling sheet.). If there are more snippets of free time, loading/unloading dishwasher or folding laundry clothes eats them up.

I have been longing to do something for myself - I think of watching a very good movie! I think of picking up my old movie song jot down book and sing aloud! I think of picking up 'Oru Deshathinte Katha' - the Malayalam novel I brought from India and read it. I think of uploading those pictures which friends have been asking for, forever. I think of giving the elliptical a workout! Before I know, my mind wanders into the TODO list again, deviating from the quest for fun to the satisfaction of getting things done. It is always a battle between productive work and relaxation - when you go for relaxation, work piles up and stares at you - 'How could you..?'

And there at bed time, kids want me to lie down with them. Nikhil says it in words and Nithin too, in his own way and his cries. So here I lie down with both kids hugging me from both sides (should confess I love that!) - there is another battle going on at that point. My mind is fully awake and wants to do the things I listed above. My body weakens with each moment. I start yawning in a minute. We have some serious talks about life - Nikhil and me. He shares a secret or two occasionally. And soon he says, 'I want to sleep. No more talking'.

He is fast asleep - while Nithin takes some more time. Each minute in the bed weakens my determination to get up! After all, I am doing B a great favor by putting the kids to bed so he can study peacefully! And every night, I pass one moment where I know both the kids are now asleep, and I am slowly sinking into sleep. I know that if I get up that moment, I can probably enjoy some quiet time with my books/TV. I remember thinking of all this and I am already zzzzz..!

So, what you see in the picture is what I want now!
Tell me what is it that you like to do - to get that feeling that you took care of your mind?

Aunty, eh!

After I crossed 30, my mental age has not changed much. I still think of me as the same old person ( note this usage of 'old' does not pertain to age!). Also, whomever I talk to who looks like my age, I assume she is my own age. If I can communicate to someone in the same wave length as mine, I assume they are my own age!This has given me some interesting shocks!

I still think of me as a fresh graduate from College! But somewhere down the lane, I never realized that what people perceive in me is much different from my mental image of myself!

Being the mother of two kids, people have promoted me from 'chechi' or 'akka' to 'aunty'!Last weekend, we attended a wedding. There was this girl I met in the women's room and she was feeding her infant. She had an older kid who is my second one's age. She called me 'aunty'! I am like - you have 2 kids and I too have 2 kids...what makes me more of an aunty! Of course, I did not say that to her. I smiled and came back.

The converse is also true - I think of Mr.X as 'uncle' assuming he is close to 40 (or at least 6-8 years older from me). I am still holding on to the mental image of 'uncle figure' from years back!
But when I know their real age, I am so shocked, I am only 1 or 2 years younger to the 'uncle'. So he is not so much of an uncle. But I have become more of an aunty!

To top it all, last year, I recall someone called from our church and they were asking for some contribution. They just addressed me 'Ammachi' right away! The person who spoke thought that he has got his name into the good books of the eldest member of the family - or at least that was his idea. You are not going get a penny out of my pocket if you do that! Do I sound like Kaviyoor Ponnamma or Manorama! (Now that is a rhetorical question! Shh..!)

Nevertheless, I would like to hang on to this mental feeling of age. It helps me to relate to younger people's feelings and understand them better. It helps me be approachable in case of problems. I prefer to be shocked like this once in a while..but I will hold on to my youth!