Semicolon

When I parked the car and got out this Tuesday, I could see Nikhil waving at me from the window in 2nd floor -"How was your last day,Amma?", he screamed. As I entered the home, both the boys came right to the door step and hugged me tight. It was my last day of work before I become a SAHM by choice for sometime.

I have been contemplating this move since some months. Kind of tried to push me away from the decision, tried to chug along with the long commute, guilty feeling of not devoting time for kids with a tireless smiling face and the ad-hoc conditions of operations of work with the budding new product. Finally, I saw signs around me that said - JUST DO IT for your peace of mind. B supported it. Kids welcomed it. I took the step.

When I resigned, I worried about what will be the reactions of different people around me. I realized that even when I make decisions after a lot of thought, I am the kind who seeks approval from everyone for my actions. It is the way I was brought up - I cannot be totally careless about the 'opinions' of people. Close friends and family had seen me go through a tough time in coping with work and commute. They could understand me. My colleagues really opened up and they could see my point in my current stage of life. So I bid good-bye to some good friends and colleagues. I was lucky to have a manager who provided lot of options for me to stay back. I am grateful to have had him as my manager - or else I would have left a while ago. In spite of all that, my heart kept telling me to see a change in life.What I will miss most about this work place would be the PEOPLE again.

It is not a period - I would like to think of break as a semi - colon. The sentence will continue some time later.

As I look ahead, I realize I will get bored eventually, will get tired of screaming to the boys when they fight with each other. At that point, I will look into getting back on the groove, but for the moment, it feels like the right thing to do. I did enjoy working for the past 13 years. But now, I want to take a break - not having to worry about waking up early, beating the traffic, driving 45 min sounds like a welcome change. Being there for son 1 when he comes back from school. Being there for Son 2 before he goes to kindergarten next year and reading books to him. Not having to bother B about my work-woes. Cooking some nice meals without thinking of it as just a chore. Driving Son1 to activities. Helping MIL with cooking as long as she is here. All these sound appealing now.

I am leaving to India tomorrow to meet my dad on his 60th birthday. I am glad I am able to go.
It will be just myself in India for 3 weeks. The kids are here with B and his parents. As much as I am excited to have a fun trip and some nice times with my parents, friends and family, it pains to see Nikhil emotional. He surprised me by making a 'MISS YOU' art work with his 'haiku' on me. Seeing this, the younger one got the help of grandma and made a similar card for me. I am treated so special because they will see me only after 3 weeks. I am touched.

Will keep you all updated from India.

Countdown starts

Not even a week left before we start back. Yesterday, was a forced lazy day on me by myself.

In the past 3 weeks, we had roamed a lot. So we felt exhausted and worried about our health. We had my schoolmate visit us, so we had done some roaming within Bangalore last weekend. Now was the time to relax and recover or else we might break down. I had to cancel a fun trip planned with relatives and we decided to breathe.
But that one day was so hard to be inside home. I am so much of an outdoor person that I find it so hard to stay indoors for one complete day. It is true that even in US, if I stay home all day, I have this itch to get out for a drive at least in the evening.

So Nikhil and me were back in action today after the complete rest yesterday. A morning at the games arcade in the mall near home, bit of shopping and the walk back home to rest the afternoon. Evening, I took him to watch Ice Age Part 3 in the theatre. By now we both are so familiar with the Forum Mall and its theatre. After the movie, we caught up with a friend at the food court and headed back home. Countdown begins!

Real taste of vacation in India

• Listening to Appa talk about his favorite movies and songs
• Playing 'Aradhana' songs and Hemant Kumar hits and enjoying them in the car
• Listening to Kamal songs in car
• Watching 'Avvai Shanmugi' in DVD at home and discovering new hidden jokes
• Eating spicy Andhra meals in banana leaf
• Recovering the collection of old photo albums and looking at young Appa and Amma, good old friends and listening to Nikhil scream at my old pictures with long plaited hair!
• An impromptu visit to a movie theatre in the near by mall to catch the next available movie and a McD's nuggets meals for Nikhil
• Waiting for my close friend from school days to reach Bangalore to meet me

This is going good, Thank God!

Day 1

The flight was long, tiring but not too bumpy. Food was not great, except for the last breakfast which was Puris! At the London airport, the one thing I did that was exciting was get a change of 1 pound and use it in an internet kiosk to type an email to B and Appa. Getting on the internet made me feel homely in the vast airport. Felt like I am not that far away India and USA. Little moments of fun!

Nikhil was good. I was super thrilled when he ate the Puris with the spicy curries for breakfast in the plane. I forced him to sleep in the second flight for we fear a monster called JET LAG! Day 1 activities were planned to involve Nikhil and make him walk with us to some small shops etc to prevent him from falling asleep. After 3 hours, he could not control it anymore, he fell asleep in the car. Today is the first night - last time he could not sleep well for some days. Let us see how this one goes.
In the couple of phone conversations, Nithin and Nikhil exchanged 'miss you's and 'love you's. It is hard for them to be separated now, especially thar they have started playing/watching Star Wars, DS etc etc together. Hang in there, folks, I will keep posting my updates!

Fast Forward

We all know the 'Rewind' button in our minds - that takes us into the past and helps relive the good moments of our lives. It looks like I have hit the fast Forward button. My mind is always in the trip that I am about to take on with my son. It is like I am re(?) living the future. I am daydreaming of each day in India. Shopping, preparing, packing is going on. Plans for small trips while in India are in the making via phone with my Appa. It is exciting, but at the same time, these thoughts make me nervous also.

Since I have got used to B's presence so much, I have become dependent on him for so many things. He takes care of minute details and I can rely on him that he will pack everything that is needed and fix all mechanical/hardware issues. Since he won't be with me, I am afraid where all I will have to act as B! I will have to do all his usual chores when we travel together. When Nikhil misses his Appa, I would not know what to do. I will have fun shopping and roaming around with Nikhil, but I cannot entertain him the way B can. Playing DS together, watching Star Wars is all beyond me. Since I won't have B to share the parenting role, I feel completely responsible for anything Nikhil will go through. I am worried about his health throughout the journey.

Let us see how it goes.

Settling In

I felt much better driving to work today morning. Every time I am in distress, I cannot believe that this will get over some day/soon. I got frustrated and weak with the jet lag syndrome and after 2 consecutive nights of uninterrupted sleep, I am definitely feeling great!

Wanted to jot down some thoughts on India trip before I forget and fall into the mechanical groove again.

I was so worried about 3 weeks of time not being enough for an India trip. I feared about missing out on so many things due to the time restrictions. I was afraid that I will be disappointed in the end, with the loads of expectations and dreams I had when I started. I confess that I am overall happy and satisfied with the trip. Now I feel 3 weeks is JUST ENOUGH - not too less and not too more! We did everything one could possibly do on a 3 week trip covering 3 cities.

I am definitely a people person and I get so much happiness out of meeting old friends and relatives. One has to take some effort to first make contact, fix a time to meet and finally make it happen. One loses heart when the weather is hot and humid and the 2 boys are screaming at the top pof their voices when you would prefer a minute of calm. One is easily tempted to think, "Why am I doing this?" when I could be sitting somewhere relaxing, when we drive on horrible roads, literally shaking when your car is overtaking the vehicle in front and there are cars coming so close to you facing you.

All this pays off, when you meet them. Some you may be very close with, some you may be doing for the happiness of your parents. But it pays off when you see the smile/happiness on the faces of people you visited. Your efforts are very much appreciated and it gives you enormous satisfaction to relive old times in the talks.

There is always a debate on whether we should devote this much time on visiting people every time we go. Every time we determine not to do it, we end up not being able to say No to it. And I do ENJOY it for the most part. My only regrets about the time shortage is that I could not meet some old friends whom I planned to. I accepted the fact that it could become too much for me and kids if I try to do ALL that I want to do. There are some things you have to sacrifice or else you will go crazy.

Jet lag

"I wish Jet lag was never invented! "

This is the quote from my 7 year old son Nikhil. Poor boy could not sleep for two consecutive nights since the day we returned from India, however hard he tried. Nithin was fine right from day 1, thank Goodness! Obviously, my sleep got affected due to this and even otherwise, I have my own jet lag problems. I am uncontrollably sleepy during afternoon and evenings. Me and kids crashed to bed at 7.30 in the evening yesterday. When Nithin woke up and said 'Amma, I want something to eat, let us go downstairs' , I prayed to God and looked at the clock - fingers crossed, hoping it is not middle of the night AGAIN!

I was glad to see 5AM - this is so much better than yesterday!

The guy at the downstair deli at work said 'Welcome back'! He is the only friendly soul in the shop (others are too rude!) and I was glad he remembered I went on vacation and noticed that I am back! Isn't it strange that how totally unrelated people can brighten up your day by their acts?

Hello Bangalore!

The Jet Airways flight had friendly and polite crew members. But the flight was too bumpy and shaky. I detest that, but somehow got through it and reached the new international airport in Bangalore. The airport looks classy and seems to have all new facilities. When we walked outside, I could see my Appa waving at us. He has put on more weight than last time. I saw him 2 years back in person! He was excited to see the kids and Nithin was so excited to run around the airport pathway. It was not too bad a drive because it was not peak hours.

After seeing the traffic and erratic drivers in Kerala, we felt Bangalore is not that bad. The city brought back lot of old memories. The 3 years of working spinster life were awesome. Bangalore is Bangalore.

Watching movies in a theatre as a family is a tradition we love to follow. The movie we select for such family viewing always was a Tamil movie and mostly would be the latest one Kamal acted in. Yes, we went to see Dasavathaaram. I had no idea about the story except for the 10 roles concept. Hmm..it is not as great as his earlier movies, but I enjoyed it. Kamal's acting was awesome and some of the roles he played were really great. Some of them were artificial and would not gel well with the story. Nevertheless, I am glad I got the opportunity to watch a Kamal movie with family after so many years. Time is flying!

Arrived safely

We arrived safely in India early morning Tuesday. The longest flight from New York to Kuwait went as a breeze with our toddler sleeping through the most of it. But the next 4.5 hour flight was troublesome with him not sleeping AT ALL. And the landing took a long time with turbulent skies and Nithin giving us a hard time trying to get out of the seatbelt. Waited for the suitcases to arrive when Nithin was talking to the girls around and demonstrating his new learned sentence - "You understand"! The girls thought he was funny.

When we walked out, it was a magical moment when Nikhil came up to us and smiled shyly. He hugged Nithin and us and we were truly emotional and excited. It was a Kodak moment. At home, a wonderful breakfast awaited us, thanks to B's mom. We were all starved for his mom's cooking, to be frank. That was the beginning. The couple days flew by with shopping and fighting sleep during the daytime. During my Day 1 beauty parlor visit, I dozed off literally couple of times.

Reunion with B's older brother and family was the highlight of yesterday. We are now planning a houseboat stay in Kumarakom, for everybody who went to India already did this houseboat thing and is 'wow'ing it. Let see how it goes. Until then, all you gals who are reading this, Ciao!

Time to wave bye bye to home

Past week has been hectic with multiple trips to Target, Walmart and Giant. Thanks to B, all suitcases are packed, weighed and stacked in the back of our van. Just minutes to start the travel to airport. Thought of posting a quick bye bye to all my dear folks on the web. Will be back soon online, hopefully as soon as I reach India. Until then, ciao!

The final lap

With suitcases scattered in our bedroom loaded with things being packed, it is busy time.

Time to update the India Trip XLS with things we have bought/to buy, things to do etc.
Time when I often daydream about how it will be.
Time when I also dread about what if I get disappointed with so many expectations in my mind.
Time when I think of the reunion with my 7 year old who is enjoying summer back in India.
Time when I feel ashamed of me not able to wait to fly away and escape from work.
Time when I fear I will miss packing something important.

I am not able to think of anything else to write on because this is what I have in mind now.
Catch you later!

India Trip Planning Woes

Finalizing dates and airlines and booking tickets is already done. Now starts the planning for internal details of the big trip. I am going NUTS with this exercise now. I am sure some of you can surely identify with this.

We have to cover 3 cities in India in 3 weeks.
When to leave from City A to City B? Which flight? Numerous flight options.
How many days will we stay in City B?
When do we leave to City C? Flight? Train?
When do we go back to City A?
Will we have enough time to pack before we depart back to US?

This is the simple logistics part of the trip planning.

Then comes the fun trips options that are enticing and attractive.

"Last time, we went on the HouseBoat stay in Kumarakom in Kerela, it was great."
"My parents went to this resort. It is economical, not expensive as houseboat etc. And very relaxing"
There are resorts in City A and City B and City C. Equally tempting. Which one to book?

And the list of people I want to meet and things I want to do is endless.
I am a sucker for nostalgia. I probably value reliving memories more than anything else.
I want to meet all my old friends and classmates. Then there are relatives whom we get to meet only when we go like this. I want to visit my old school and college to relive memories and to show my 7 year old where I stood and sang school prayers and bore him with my 'veeragaathaa' (adventure stories).

How could I forget shopping clothes to expand my wardrobe for US Indian gatherings?

Not only do we have to meet with folks who live in India, but also there are close friends/relatives from US/elsewhere who will be vacationing in India at that SAME TIME. How nice is that..to be able to catch them there and spend sometime with them there. Yumm..tempting again!

The temptations are enticing and overwhelming. There is always the concern of whether we will get disappointed with the choices or decisions we made. It could easily turn fun to stress if we try to cram everything into the schedule. But what to give up? How do I set priorities? How do I say 'No' to some things?

Hmm..am I not enjoying this exercise, while I am cribbing? Daydreaming of doing this and that in India and planning for it - there is some thrill in this!

Parting tears

When I stood at the airport gate, watching my 1st Grader walk away holding the hands of his friend, I struggled hard to prevent tears from rolling down. After all, our friends who were standing next to us, were also parting with their son and they were holding up pretty good.

Nikhil is going to India for a summer vacation. Flying for the first time without us. Of course, our friend D was going to take care of both Nikhil and G throughout the flight. Two boys whose eyes are always glued to their Nintendo DS. We teased D a lot saying the boys will have to take care of you. It was all fun. We lectured a lot to Nikhil from time to time. Dont run away here and there. Always stay with uncle. Blah Blah. But that is all you could do, once you have made a decision to send him for a totally new experience - a vacation with grandparents in India.

I am really amazed at his courage. Did he realize that he wont be able to meet his parents and his brother for 2 months? Does he know that he cannot come and hug us when he wanted? I think he knows, but he may be in for a surprise , when some emotions might strike.

As we drove back from JFK, with all the lights sparking on the Verrazano bridge, my mind was flying down the memory lane.

The 13 days NTSE Scholarship camp was the first time I was staying away from home that long. I was in Thrissur and my parents were in Trivandrum. We were staying in the dorm rooms of a school in Thrissur. I wrote a long letter to my Appa which was loaded with tears and worries. I missed home so BADLY. My letter gave him a shock and made him feel helpless. His reply came telling me not to worry and to enjoy the experience - which was the intention of sending me, according to him. I was worried that I may not pass the scholarship exam and felt bad that I will be failing to fulfill his dreams. I was so relieved to hear that he was not so particular about that part at all.

I was reminded of the Trivandrum railway station where I waved Bye to Appa when he left to Bangalore for work. I was in college then and he had moved the job there. Everytime, I step out of the Railway Platform after the Island Express leaves, I would be in tears while I walk to my Kinetic Honda.

Parting tears and the pain in the throat that accompanies when I try to suppress them. Wonder if my son is old enough to feel the feelings I have felt..and if so, I just hope he learns to recognize them and express them.