Bidding Good-Bye and the emotions associated with it

As we stand on one side of the security check at the airport, while Appa and Amma are on the other, putting their hand bags in the conveyor belt for scanning, I felt helpless. I was wondering what more could I do at this point. The truth that we all will have to go back to our own lives, stared at me. Just 10 minutes before, I knew this moment will come and I can tell both Appa-Amma and me were dreading this moment. We don't want to break out into tears and make it awkward and difficult for each other. But the emotions associated with the good-bye moments were overwhelming us.

As B and the kids hugged them one by one, I did not know what to do. May be because the culture of hugging is not in our family, even though I am accustomed to doing it with US friends, wasn't I still not able to hug my Appa-Amma?

It was weird and it felt sudden when Appa just moved on to the line of security check. He did not want to break down. I could see that. Amma waved ta-ta at the kids and us too from the line.

As we watched them complete the processes and as I hoped he would turn back and see that I am still watching them, I could see them walk into the airport. He did not realize that we are still watching them. They don't have cell phone, so the only thing I could do was to wait for his call when they are completely settled.

Throughout the car ride back home, B and I were talking and talking about how life would be for them when they go back. To continue with my own life, there are challenges awaiting me.

Finally the phone rang after I had gobbled up yummy Appams at our friends' place in our street. Appa and I caught up. He sounded energetic and we laughed about surviving the emotional moment with minimal tears. As we walked home from the friends', we saw an airplane up in the sky and my younger one goes, "Amma, I think Thatha and Paatti are in that airplane" and waved at it!

The quiet of the home is not new to us. Whenever B's parents left, the front room has stared at us with the void. It was the same this time. The kids tried to find something that Thatha and Paatti have forgotten by mistake.

I hope everything goes well for my parents as they step into the retired life and restart life in Bangalore.

A Beautiful School Year

When I started Nithin at this new school, he cried one day - much less compared to the months of wailing in the car during drop off to previous school. Very soon, he made very close friends. What is more surprising is that the moms of these kids became real good friends. New friendships are interesting and fascinating. We enjoyed watching our kids play together and enjoy.

Pick up times during noon had an automatic chat session built in. We could not leave home with our own child without at least saying Bye to each other - even in case of hurry. All the kids in the school would leave, but our kids would play and play and we moms would chat and chat. Now I am not sure who was waiting for who? :-)

The kids learnt a lot during the school year. Socially, I could see Nithin blossom into a totally fine kid from the shy boy he was. It was truly a pleasure to see him open up with his pals. In the middle of the year, he used to cry if his close friends were absent from school. If they got picked up early, he has cried. But now, he seems to handle that much better. I am really thankful to his tiny friends for the role they played unknowingly in his social development.

Last Friday, the academic year ended. It was quite an emotional moment for me to see him walk into the stage with the graduate hat on. This whole year, whenever I picked him up in the noon, I have experienced the satisfaction of things working out the right way for him. When the boys giggled and ran around in the playground, my heart soared. I was never driven by the pressure of going to office after pick up. I let him have his fun time and then carried on with my mental ToDo list for the day.

Some afternoons, we headed straight to the restaurant where he wanted to have soup or Dosa. Some times we went to library. Most of the noons we relaxed sitting in our bed with the books he chose to read. Some we fought over Kumon while I yelled at him for not writing neatly. He would write one letter and run away from me and jump on the bed while I lose patience. I will really cherish the one academic year I spent with Nithin as a stay-at-home mom. Sometimes I stared at the clock which displays the date and time worrying about what lies ahead for me. I tickled him and cuddled with him and sometimes I was gloomy when he checked if I was sad.

The plan is to take care of the kids during summer. But I could not begin doing that without writing about the beautiful year that went by.

Hurray!

For the past one week, me and my Appa were laboring to submit a Passport renewal application for him using the new website called Passport Seva Portal. He could not successfully get past the login screen at his end in India, so he officially appointed me his travel agent in US. After getting through the creation of application and uploading the documents, we were shocked to note that the Normal appointment at the passport office is too far away for our needs. We needed to get an express appointment to proceed with our plans. Looks like these appointments open up a 8AM IST and they get filled up in no time and you had to wait the next day or another.

Since then my job was to book a Tatkal (meaning instantaneous) appointment - which was not an easy task. Every time I check for the availability of the Tatkal, all I got was "All Tatkal appointments have been booked, please try again later or another day". I kept trying at different times with despair.

Yesterday night, I tried at exact 8AM IST and I could not believe my eyes. I FINALLY saw the tatkal slots listed. My hands were literally shaking because I KNEW these will get filled up in no time. As I picked a slot and clicked "Book Appointment" keeping my fingers crossed, I saw the words "The slot you selected has been taken by another person. Please try again later". My heart sank! All the efforts went futile, I thought.

I knew LATER I may not even get this far. I could see that all the open slots that I had seen a minute earlier for the location I selected within Bangalore were GONE. I just tried another location in Bangalore and voila, I saw just ONE slot. I pounced on it and prayed to all Gods. My dad was doing the same thing from the one end - except that he can't even get as far as I can within the website. And I got the appointment!

I was never THIS happy in the recent past. Phew..! I called Appa to narrate this success story and now we can go ahead with the plans. Interesting experience - frustrating for the whole time but since I finally succeeded - now I have a smile! Little joys of life! Sense of satisfaction and accomplishment - isn't that all we want to take away from any experience!

SAHM Experience so far

Month 5 is on the run. The first month was spent in India. The next months flew by with gearing up with school and kids activities.

Phase I:
Initially, I was worried about what people's reaction would be on my decision. Every time I have to tell someone I would worry about what they are going to say. I would pray they say something of the sorts that would not call me dumb. To my own surprise, I got more positive reactions about making the decision than otherwise.

Taking a break from career was not looked down upon. Especially friends who knew me well, thought it was right to spend some time with kids - especially where they are young. Most did not have a doubt about me getting back into the career because of my work experience. Most would love to do that and could not afford to do that due to financial commitments.

Everyone trusted that being here in America, we had the freedom to take a break and not having to worry about coming back to the career world. We see so many who change their careers drastically. So nothing is impossible.

OK..the initial reactions were positive. Some cautioned me not to take too long a break. It could mean that you could risk your position in the job market. I agree with that.

Phase II: First few months at home
The questions were like this: "OK, how do you pass time each day?"
"What do you all day?"
"When are going back to work?"

Hmm..I was irked by some and smiled at some. With two kids, I am still planning each hour of my day. My day revolves around their calendar. Their drop off, pick up, activities and school projects. Especially with the younger one going to school for just 4 hours, pick up time arrives before I finish up my groceries or cooking and there I am rushing to pick him up. I took up more social responsibilities with planning and executing of events or participating more actively. So that keeps me busy too.

One things is true - I am EARLY for most appointments. I was early at the gym before the class trying to kill time on treadmill before the instructor arrived. I was an hour early for a doctor's appointment and went to their cafeteria and grabbed a coffee to kill time. I consciously try to be not late for anything and I am so obsessed with looking at the clock and reverse-planning everything based on a deadline.

Another FACT is that - you think that you will have the best vacation of your life when you take a career break. It is true that you get more time to do everything and you can pay more attention to details on most tasks. But down the lane, it is not a vacation - but you are caught in a routine-bubble now.

Remember, when you took a day off from work and how every minute was precious that day. Well, now everyday is at your hands - but still you cannot think OUT OF THE BOX that easily anymore. You have to consciously PUT EFFORT to REMIND yourself to DO THOSE THINGS you DREAMT OF DOING WHEN YOU WONT BE WORKING. Because otherwise you might just flow with the mechanical routine - it is not work related, but home related now.

Phase III: With my in laws leaving back to India, this is my next phase. I am all by myself with the kids and B. The first two days were awfully quiet and cadaverous at home. (Confession: Cadaverous is a new word I learnt helping out with my son's school project. It means: deathly, pale). I am slowly getting used to it.

Kids like me this way - less stressed and relaxed. Once in a while, a worry creeps up in the back of the mind. When should I start looking for a job? Is it too late already? I tell myself I still have something more to achieve from this conscious break. And I go on!

Too long a post, eh? When you guys said "I do", you did not know what you were getting into!
Chuckle!

Initial SAHM Days

The first week I came back from India I slept - napped with Nithin in the afternoon while the older one went to school. Yet again, sleeping in the night was not a problem for me :-). After 3 or 4 days of marathon sleeping, I finally felt healed physically from all the running around I did in India. I would always cherish the vacation in India - for it was my own time, my own decisions pretty much about what to do where I did not have to worry about kids' health or anything. Seeing my Appa happy to have me around for hsi 60th birthday, meeting my relatives who have known me since my birth, catching up with my old friends with whom I share a unique relation - was all so precious. Knowing that my kids are in the best hands here in IS, I could relax and enjoy the most in India.

Back is US, I checked out a simple Montessori school for Nithin. It is a half day program with lesser number of kids and more emphasis on academics for the time he is in school. He cried the first day since he has been home all summer and he was not going back to the old school. I too wondered if I am doing the right thing. But he warmed up quite sooner than he did for the first school.

Now my whole day revolves around the boys' school schedule and after school activities. With parents in law here, I have not seen the loneliness which probably is awaiting me soon. I am mentally relaxed and free and am able to focus on Nithin without my thoughts wandering off elsewhere (work pressure, commute etc). The initial days of SAH- Motherhood seem to be going well. There are moments of laughter, cuddling and tickling with Nithin. Sitting with Nikhil doing his school work and Kumon, we did accomplish our mini-goals.

Two days ago, was Nithin's 5th birthday. I knew how much he would love to have his close friends whom he has not met in a while. I wanted him to have the celebration right on the day he was born. Thankfully, even with my last minute notice, the boys' parents were able to bring them. We had a simple party with a craft activity and Pinata. Ben 10 cake was what he asked for.
The arrangements for the party kept me quite busy for some days.

Will keep you updated.

Semicolon

When I parked the car and got out this Tuesday, I could see Nikhil waving at me from the window in 2nd floor -"How was your last day,Amma?", he screamed. As I entered the home, both the boys came right to the door step and hugged me tight. It was my last day of work before I become a SAHM by choice for sometime.

I have been contemplating this move since some months. Kind of tried to push me away from the decision, tried to chug along with the long commute, guilty feeling of not devoting time for kids with a tireless smiling face and the ad-hoc conditions of operations of work with the budding new product. Finally, I saw signs around me that said - JUST DO IT for your peace of mind. B supported it. Kids welcomed it. I took the step.

When I resigned, I worried about what will be the reactions of different people around me. I realized that even when I make decisions after a lot of thought, I am the kind who seeks approval from everyone for my actions. It is the way I was brought up - I cannot be totally careless about the 'opinions' of people. Close friends and family had seen me go through a tough time in coping with work and commute. They could understand me. My colleagues really opened up and they could see my point in my current stage of life. So I bid good-bye to some good friends and colleagues. I was lucky to have a manager who provided lot of options for me to stay back. I am grateful to have had him as my manager - or else I would have left a while ago. In spite of all that, my heart kept telling me to see a change in life.What I will miss most about this work place would be the PEOPLE again.

It is not a period - I would like to think of break as a semi - colon. The sentence will continue some time later.

As I look ahead, I realize I will get bored eventually, will get tired of screaming to the boys when they fight with each other. At that point, I will look into getting back on the groove, but for the moment, it feels like the right thing to do. I did enjoy working for the past 13 years. But now, I want to take a break - not having to worry about waking up early, beating the traffic, driving 45 min sounds like a welcome change. Being there for son 1 when he comes back from school. Being there for Son 2 before he goes to kindergarten next year and reading books to him. Not having to bother B about my work-woes. Cooking some nice meals without thinking of it as just a chore. Driving Son1 to activities. Helping MIL with cooking as long as she is here. All these sound appealing now.

I am leaving to India tomorrow to meet my dad on his 60th birthday. I am glad I am able to go.
It will be just myself in India for 3 weeks. The kids are here with B and his parents. As much as I am excited to have a fun trip and some nice times with my parents, friends and family, it pains to see Nikhil emotional. He surprised me by making a 'MISS YOU' art work with his 'haiku' on me. Seeing this, the younger one got the help of grandma and made a similar card for me. I am treated so special because they will see me only after 3 weeks. I am touched.

Will keep you all updated from India.

SIL, BIL, Pyar Vyar

What a month this has been! Starting from the day, B's older brother and family arrived from Kuwait, it was times of fun, music, travel and chats/debates after dinner. Each day went by visiting Niagara, D.C, Philly, New York and North Carolina.

I have spent only a day or so with them during our India trip - both our families were visiting India and we had our own hectic schedules. This is the first time we are spending quality time together. It was great to find out that I could be myself with SIL and BIL (sis in law and bro in law). They were good enough to laugh at my silly jokes tirelessly. It was nice to share girly talks with SIL - I did not grow up with a sister, so now I could see what I have missed.

Our kids enjoyed the times with 'cousin brother' and never asked for us. As we get ready to drop them to JFK and bid adieu, it surely feels like life has come to a standstill. What will we do next week? Going back to our normal routine life seems so boring and action-less now.

I know all good things have to come to an end. I am reminded of the lull in my parents' home after my relatives went back after a visit.The railway station platform, waving at cousins (or Appa when he was working in a different city), till the train takes them so far away that you don't know whether the hands you are looking at are theirs or not. Times when we said bye to folks, not knowing when we will meet again and which stage in our life we will be at that time. It is not railway platform, it is usually airports these days - but the feelings are the same.

Goodbye times are always hard - but I guess life must go on!

He amazed me

Of late, I have been carrying tension and worries from work place to home. In the evenings, it is about getting up early and driving 45 minutes to work. For a change, last Friday, when I got a verbal acknowledgement from my manager that my work is on track, I felt I should hold on to that for that whole weekend.

I left home to take Nikhil to his close friend's birthday party. My mind was light and I was joking to him and teasing him. We got on the car..and I decided to test him.

Wanting to see if he has noticed anything about my mood, I asked him.

"Hey Niks, what do you think about Amma today?"

I worded it such that it does not give him any clues that I am asking about my mood today. I wanted to see if he interprets it that way and if so, what does he think about my mood.

He said: "Amma, you are joyful and happy today"!

I was astonished - not only did he figure the meaning I intended, he also responded with the correct answer. It is true that the kids can see what all emotions we are going through. It affects them more than what we imagine. And they can understand everything!

I told him 'Kutta, I am impressed how well you read my mind'!

Hakuna Matata

We rented the Lion King CD from the library the other day. Nithin has been playing it over and over in the car since then. He demands a song by number and it has to be replayed till eternity. After couple of reruns, you start hating that song.

But this song left me pondering and wishing for a state of "Hakuna Matata" - a state of no worries - it is a 'problem-free' philosophy.

A big change in me in the recent years is something I never used to do before. Worrying has become my hobby now. I find it so hard to control my mind when the thoughts spin and spin.

Looking from the outside world, I am in a comfortable state and there should be many blessings I have to count. I do recognize that and I am grateful for my life. But all said and done, I have become much more emotionally weak than even before. Different people have different worries. Mine has been related to job/work/career for sometime now. The layoff experience has left me petrified. Adjusting to new work life has been an uphill. It is getting better - I would compare it to the first few months with a new born baby. People say it gets better over months - but each day has to pass, it is a struggle every day - feeding and diapering and wondering why he/she cries. Some days are easy, some are crazy, but no matter what you have to live through this phase to get to a point where you can enjoy the baby. I think that is what I am going through now. Taking life one day at a time!

Fast Forward

We all know the 'Rewind' button in our minds - that takes us into the past and helps relive the good moments of our lives. It looks like I have hit the fast Forward button. My mind is always in the trip that I am about to take on with my son. It is like I am re(?) living the future. I am daydreaming of each day in India. Shopping, preparing, packing is going on. Plans for small trips while in India are in the making via phone with my Appa. It is exciting, but at the same time, these thoughts make me nervous also.

Since I have got used to B's presence so much, I have become dependent on him for so many things. He takes care of minute details and I can rely on him that he will pack everything that is needed and fix all mechanical/hardware issues. Since he won't be with me, I am afraid where all I will have to act as B! I will have to do all his usual chores when we travel together. When Nikhil misses his Appa, I would not know what to do. I will have fun shopping and roaming around with Nikhil, but I cannot entertain him the way B can. Playing DS together, watching Star Wars is all beyond me. Since I won't have B to share the parenting role, I feel completely responsible for anything Nikhil will go through. I am worried about his health throughout the journey.

Let us see how it goes.

Beginnings and Ends

The demise of a close relative in India left us thinking a lot about death. We all know it is a truth, it is bound to happen to all of us some day. Yet, when we see it happen, it is shocking and sad. We wonder how we spend our lives attached to the material things and how we fight or keep grudges against people. In the end, all that matters is how much we loved and how we lived. It saddens us to think that when we go again for a visit to India, we won't be able to meet this aunt as we usually do. Her smile and her radiant face will live in our memories always.

*****************************************************************

On a different note, Nikhil's school closed yesterday. He brought back all his belongings, composition notebooks and a picture of him and his teacher. Loads of paper has piled needing clean-up in his room. It is the beginning of summer vacation. It marks the end of his second grade and the beginning of his journey towards third grade. It made me emotional thinking how fast he is growing. Third grade is supposed to be more serious and a beginning of a new era in elementary education. I am eager to see how it will change our lives!

This brought back so many memories of my own school years. Summer vacation as the single daughter did not mean much excitement to me. But then, at that age, I did not know what excitement meant. I was satisfied with being home all the time, reading more 'Sujatha' books and any Tamil novels I get, watch TV and listen to radio. I did not have a social circle or play mates until I was at the end of Xth standard. Cycling to friends near home and chatting with them marked the beginning of the change in my life. Seeking friends and refusing to be a loner, I was so sure about how I want my life to be.

Towards the end of the vacation, somehow we would get the news that the new textbooks for the next class have arrived at the bookstore of our school. People would rush to the school, stand in line and grab the loads of books from the school bookstore before they run out of stock. The memory of this ritual is still fresh in my mind. The fragrance of the new text books, the promise they made and the thought of going back to school always brightened me up. That meant, getting back with friends and learning new things. I still remember, as soon as I arrive home with the new text books, I would open them up and start reading. Those were the days! Cotton Hill.G.H.S., Trivandrum meant the home for me. It brought out the best in me - academic as well as extracurricular activities.

OK, that was a trip down the memory lane. Catch you later!

Breaking my Silence

Once you take a break from anything, it becomes harder to get back to it. When I started job hunting, I had multiple windows open with different job sites and technical sites in my computer.
Taking time off that task seemed like a sin then. I cut myself off from browsing blogs and commenting. It looked like something would happen soon. But nothing major happened.

Time flew. I started working towards PMP Certification. I am still working for that. So whether or not something happens in the job front, I have something to focus on.

A major milestone was taking Nithin consistently to his new preschool. He goes part-time and the transition to the new place was not easy. He cried and protested in the mornings when he knew he had to go to school. It has gotten much better now. The first time, he spotted a classmate from the new school in a gathering, increased references of the teacher in his talks and now, the stories and names of his classmates - it was a tough journey, but we are getting there! Every time he cried, I told myself not to give up or give in to his tears. Kind of feels cruel, isn't it! But I believed firmly that if I give in (now that I have a choice of keeping him home if he cried too much!), it only becomes harder for him the next day. So far, I think he is making good progress with the adjustment.

He seems to be going through a radical change - all of a sudden he is becoming a social butterfly. Wonder what happened - but that is a welcome change. Non-stop chattering!All his dialogues amaze all of us.

Another grand milestone was B's post-graduation. Yay! I bet having a family with two kids and pursing a part time Masters was not easy. He DID it and I am proud of him. We went for the graduation ceremony last week and I edited a post about it in my mind, but never typed it.B's parents, kids, B and I went for a dinner right after the ceremony. It was a fun evening.

Now that I broke the silence, I think it will be easy for me to talk further. Thanks to all those who checked with me via emails or comments to see how I am doing. Promise to be more regular!

A Spinster's Day Out at Barnes and Nobles

I am not really a spinster, but it was nice to act like one. It was a day Nithin was supposed to be home and not go to school. Thanks to having grandparents at home, I could set out early morning to Barnes and Nobles. It was B's idea and his own dream to spend an entire day there browsing through books. Only that I got to do it.

With no kids to trouble me and husband at office (away from my trouble), it was a day where I could be myself and focus on reading technical books and prepare notes. I bought a coffee and climbed up the escalator to the technical section smiling to myself. Kappi okke vangichu..ini joli kittumo? It all entirely depends on how best I utilize my time there! I picked a book that interested me and made myself comfortable in the huge plush chair there. It was not crowded and I felt at home, muttering the words in the book and taking notes.

One of the incentives of this exercise was to have lunch from a nearby shop and return back to studies. At 11.30, the lady in the bookstore who helped me in the morning saw me and she asked 'You still here". I said :" Fear not, I will be back after lunch :-)" . I did not say the whole sentence, but just a part of it.

It was a bright sunny day. I walked to the Mexican fastfood near by and had a Sonoroan Quesadilla , once recommended to me by Laksh. I spoke with a friend on the phone and walked back to B&N. The rest of the afternoon was not as productive as the morning. I got distrubed by other people sitting in chairs next to me and the music on the air. Can't do much about it since I dont' own the shop, can I? But I managed to read something, so I enjoyed the stay at the shop overall. I finished my day by visiting two other shops, got some shirts for kids for good prices (am not a shopaholic and am very much behind in getting good deals, so this time I felt good doing it!). That was the day that was!

Birthday memories

Today is my birthday! The best thing about this day was Nikhil coming up to me in the morning and evening and hugging me repeatedly and saying "Happy Birthday, Amma!". Remember some of the old birthdays where every moment of the day felt special! Every second was to be savored and thanks to nice friends around, one got the most attention, well wishes, greeting cards and gifts. It looked like he is going through similar emotions for me!

This year I felt birthday is like any other day. In the past, I used to feel that I need that special attention or something special done for me.

When I was a child, birthday meant getting a brand new dress. But nothing more than that. Altough people talk about single children being spoilt by parents' pampering, I did not get that kind of attention from parents. They treated me like a normal kid - sometimes more like an adult. So the first time I got pampered was really when I went to Women's College, Trivandrum to study pre degree - by friends. A group of 4 friends, we started the tradition of getting birthday cards, buying icecream and in our own way, celebrating each other's birthday.

When I went to Engineering College, Trivandrum, the first year was truly a totally new and different experience. Friends did not mean girls alone, anymore. I still remember my first birthday in that class after our tour - when we were all not just classmates, but had become friends. A tradition of spending close to Rs.300 emerged and that was the first time, I 'fought' with my father for money. He was shocked to hear my demand for money for birthday because I wanted to give a treat to friends! Anyway, he obliged - as he always has been my dear friend too!
He still would recall that incident where the changes in me shocked him!

Anyway, I really enjoyed every bit of the day with gifts and cards. The gift I cherish was an audio cassette of the Hindi hit of that time - Raju Ban Gaya Gentle man.The next year, when I received my birthday gift from B, little did I know that this tradition/relation was to go on for forever! That too, was an audio cassette of the movie Uzhavan by ARR.

Then we started working - so had more money at our disposal. The day started with phone calls and progressed with birthday emails from friends who worked in other companies.It invariably had a lunch with colleagues and a dinner with collegemates.

Then B and I got married and the first birthday after wedding, B hid gifts all through home like a treasure hunt! That was fun.

Years pass by - now I hear B and Nikhil whisper something to each other. Wonder what is cooking!

A one liner from the closest friends, emails from new blog-friends whose wish took me by surprise, an e-Card from Appa, talking to Amma yesterday night for the occasion, a phone call from a friend warmed up my heart and that is all I need now to feel happy about my birthday!

New Year Thoughts

Catching up on Laksh's and Usha's posts on New Year, I thought I would share my thoughts here in a post.

Years ago, when I was in school, New year eve was an emotional moment. And what was part of the celebration of the moment? Doordarshan. Watching the New Year eve programs in TV was the most exciting thing happening. I remember as the clocks ticked, I relied of the host of the show to make the moment memorable for me. I remember getting disappointed on some shows not making the IMPACT when the clock struck 12. "Not as good as last year program!".

At that point in life, I really did not want anything more to be done on a NY eve. Even though, I watched the parties for new years in movies etc, I don't recall longing to be part of any such thing. But I always used to think about what I accomplished that year and what I wanted to be later.

Over time, the magic faded out and I was too busy this year to do even that introspection that Laksh mentions. Something reminded me that "hey, it is New year", but I was vacationing and have not till date thought about gains/losses in the past year.

Did I become more mature to realise that life goes on and NY eve is another day? I know that life will not change just because it is New Year, but I think it is an occasion to reflect on the past. However silly is, if that occasions prompts you to make a new beginning, what is wrong in that? If this becomes an excuse to make a change in myself, why not?

New year resolutions are made fun of - because they die soon. I know it may not last long, but when we were younger, we felt the hope of changing for good on NY day. As we grow older, we accept that nothing is going to change and become more mature. We close the doors to hope and change by growing up. I can literally feel that change in myself. I wish I could become silly, naive and immature and bring back the hope to change and become better - like old days!

Mixed Feelings

When I started from home today, I thought it is going to be an ordinary day. In fact, I knew it will be a quiet day since I finished most of my work yesterday.

Thank God, I still have my job. My heart goes out to those who left the doors. When they came in today, they too thought it was an ordinary day. Only to find out later that, it was not to be.

While I grabbed 2 slices of pizza from the nearby shop and walked in cold wind that blew, I was shaken and shocked. Talking about Satyam employees in India with Appa over phone, I was further shaken.
There is always light at the end of the tunnel...where is the end of the tunnel? I guess we are all waiting for that!

Thinking Activities (pun intended!)

This week, it was extremely tough to get up every morning. Blame it on weekdays evenings that have been exhausting with activities that there is not even one evening where you could relax. One is always on the run - driving in the dark, rainy nights chasing fog off the headlights. Especially now that it turns dark so early!

Sometimes I wonder, these activities that I take my son to - are they becoming too much? Is it helpful in shaping his personality? It surely takes a toll on parents - driving around kids from one place to another. But it also feels risky not to have him do anything apart from school. We don't want him to feel out of place among a bunch of kids who do sports and other activities.

Sometimes, kids have all the energy and are ready to go for the activities - while I feel like I have none. It is his interest that pushes me to take him to karate. "Do you really want to go today?" "Yes, yes".Sometimes, it is our interests that pushes them - they are not really particular, but you believe it is good for them in the long run. And a little bit of push - you see him making progress and you tell yourself - 'See, I knew it!'.

In the mechanical run, there are moments we miss to smile on. The pranks the kids do, irritate us because we are hurrying to get them somewhere. One has to step aside, take a deep breath and remind oneself of this quote that comes flashing to my mind today -
"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans."

Holiday Party

When I got the invite to our office holiday party weeks ago, I was excited and very motivated to go with B. Problem is that kids are not allowed at all. Last year, we had B's parents at home so we left the kids home, dressed up in formal clothes and went. This year, I was not sure what to do. So eventually my enthusiasm drained out and I was looking for more reasons to skip it than to make it happen.

Yesterday was the party day and B and myself decided not to go. During the day, I made a call to my friend B who inspired me to attend it. R from work also tempted me to come. I thought let me give Miss. B (Nithin's babysitter) a call. If she says she can watch my kids for couple of hours that evening, I could probably go. I gave her a call and apologized for the last minute request. My mind was prepared to take the answer that comes in the right spirit. After all, I had not been keen in making arrangements in the beginning!

Miss B said a cool Yes! This is a first time for us - to leave the kids with a baby sitter for any event and go! I was both thrilled and nervous at the same time. The rest of the afternoon went by in going home and visiting the beauty parlor lady in our neighborhood for a clean-up (oh my God, it is so hard for women to dress up for a party, I tell you!). I did not want Nithin to spend a continuous 12 hours away from home, so we picked him up , brought him home for couple of hours. Then we dropped both the boys at the baby sitter.

We made it to the party. Kids were safe and there was peace of mind. We missed the first hour, but got to meet friends and have dinner. We started soon after dessert and headed to pick the boys up.

While we were driving back, I realized that more than the fun I had the party, I was more amazed about how quickly the kids adapted to the situation. When I saw Nikhil at home and started to prep him emotionally, he said 'I know. I know we are going to Miss B, and you both are going to an office party'. His dad had mentioned and he was just fine with it. Nithin became fine with it since big bro was with him. As we got the kids back, I felt a sense of accomplishment - having tried out leaving kids with a sitter for the first time in life!

This incident made me realize two things:
1. It is just a matter of making the start. Sometimes we hestiate so much for a thing, and we are surprised it was not that difficult after all.
2. Quoting my Appa - If something is destined for you, it will happen. I tried so much not to make this event happen, but, in the end, it did anyway. This is debatable but there is some thrill in quoting Appa's theory! Gives me a magical feeling about life!

Time for myself

Morning goes by making breakfast and making sure kids eat. Day goes by driving to work, work and driving back home. Evening time flies by with dinner and homework and Kumon with Nikhil. In between, there are tiny snippets of fun time with Nithin's pranks and him surprising us with newly learnt words (yesterday he said, correction - a term we use a lot with Nikhil's Kumon work and 'spelling test' pointing to Nikhil's weekly spelling sheet.). If there are more snippets of free time, loading/unloading dishwasher or folding laundry clothes eats them up.

I have been longing to do something for myself - I think of watching a very good movie! I think of picking up my old movie song jot down book and sing aloud! I think of picking up 'Oru Deshathinte Katha' - the Malayalam novel I brought from India and read it. I think of uploading those pictures which friends have been asking for, forever. I think of giving the elliptical a workout! Before I know, my mind wanders into the TODO list again, deviating from the quest for fun to the satisfaction of getting things done. It is always a battle between productive work and relaxation - when you go for relaxation, work piles up and stares at you - 'How could you..?'

And there at bed time, kids want me to lie down with them. Nikhil says it in words and Nithin too, in his own way and his cries. So here I lie down with both kids hugging me from both sides (should confess I love that!) - there is another battle going on at that point. My mind is fully awake and wants to do the things I listed above. My body weakens with each moment. I start yawning in a minute. We have some serious talks about life - Nikhil and me. He shares a secret or two occasionally. And soon he says, 'I want to sleep. No more talking'.

He is fast asleep - while Nithin takes some more time. Each minute in the bed weakens my determination to get up! After all, I am doing B a great favor by putting the kids to bed so he can study peacefully! And every night, I pass one moment where I know both the kids are now asleep, and I am slowly sinking into sleep. I know that if I get up that moment, I can probably enjoy some quiet time with my books/TV. I remember thinking of all this and I am already zzzzz..!

So, what you see in the picture is what I want now!
Tell me what is it that you like to do - to get that feeling that you took care of your mind?

Ding Dong..

Today evening, the door bell is going to ring many times. As I washed and wiped the fancy looking glass bowl to place the treats for trick-or- treaters, I took a walk down the memory lane.

Halloween did not mean much to me until Nikhil was three. We were invited to go around a friends' community with her kid. He could barely talk and after a round of houses, I was surprised to see him babbling 'trick or treat' and asking for candy to strangers in their homes. I remember being excited about dressing him up in Barney costume and going around with a pumpkin basket.I also remember B getting him a Thomas costume online one Halloween when every other store had run out of it. It was expensive, but we wanted to put a smile on his face!

Over time, we learned to be smart - reuse the costume if we can! For the past two years, our kids are Spidermen! As long as they are ok, we don't plan to change it. Thanks to a family friend's hand-me-down, Nikhil is HULK this year! In the Halloween parade at school, he was showing off his muscles!!

Nithin is all excited to wear a Spiderman costume. I am not sure if he remembers any of the last years rounds. This will be his first active halloween, I think.

Within few hours, we will all be walking around the community with the baskets. In Malayalam, there is a word called 'Thendal'. This is real thendal - walk around with basket and ask for candy!
"Bhavathi candy dehi"!

Seems to be a warm sunny day - so I hope it does not get very cold soon in the evening!
Happy halloween to all of you! Happy weekend - I missed saying this last Friday!